


Forever and Never

by Cimmerian



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: (i'm sorry), (that might turn out to be mildly dangerous but shush), Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Non-Famous, Alternate Universe - Not K-Pop Idols, Bittersweet?, Can this be considered Slice of Life????, Chatting & Messaging, Childhood Friends, Eulogy - Freeform, Gen, How Do I Tag, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Letters, Non-Linear Narrative, Park Jisung (NCT)-centric, Sad?, Silly Childhood Bets - Freeform, Texting, There's also one non-graphic drowning scene, This is weird if i am being honest, and a Assassination Classroom spoiler, featuring me using ChenJi as an excuse to gush about NCT127, idk - Freeform, it sometimes gets a bit confusing, it's sort of mentioned in passing, just one to be exact, like it takes 75 percent of the whole thing, oh and there's this one (1) mdzs reference, or should i say kunfusing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-21
Updated: 2020-12-21
Packaged: 2021-03-11 02:07:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,447
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28217451
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cimmerian/pseuds/Cimmerian
Summary: Jisung doesn’t know what it would feel like if the world ended. His already has, and it began again the next day, and ended once more only to reset the hourglass. It’s a weird feeling that doesn’t wear out no matter how many times you go through it.But he’s never felt so bad since so long, not this desperate in so long that he thought he’d never have to again.What do you do when everything you hold dear, everything you consider your world, everything you base your life around, everything you take for granted is suddenly ripped out of your life and you can do nothing except mourn for the loss? How do you live when the very essence of your life is snatched away right in front of you?
Relationships: Park Jisung/Zhong Chen Le
Comments: 10
Kudos: 16





	Forever and Never

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Dirororodi](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dirororodi/gifts).



> To the one person whom I low-key bullied into making an Ao3 account because she'd rather lurk around the corners and read: Happy Birthday!! You're /the best/ thing that's happened to me and "you're so amazing~"  
> I hope you'll remember that you're my universe. I'm yours, you're mine, Always~ ♡
> 
> [Here's](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1kn4bKlQ4qN1fb67g4f4MW) the playlist. 
> 
> Please read the tags for Content Warnings.  
> Happy reading~

[Saturday]

Chenle:

[7:21 PM] Hello

[Tuesday]

Jisung:

Hiiii [4:39 PM]

Guess who's back! [4:39 PM]

Chenle:

[5:12 PM] Hello

Jisung;

H [6:01 PM]

E [6:01 PM]

L [6:01 PM]

L [6:01 PM]

O [6:01 PM]

Chenle:

[6:20 PM] Heya !

Jisung:

wassup? [7:07 PM]

[Friday]

Chenle:

[6:33 PM] Hello

Jisung:

Hi [8:21 PM] 

Chenle:

[8:26 PM] Hello

[8:26 PM] ♡

***

Material possession instead of memories is a rare instance for Jisung. The ones with good memories behind them are even rarer. Though, he supposes, it’s good this way. He doesn't have to bear the pain of relieving all of them every single time anymore. Or he had to.

Now though, everything he sees reminds him of memories. Those god forsaken memories that tear him down with the sheer pain, agony, and  _ innocent joy  _ behind them, the memories that he once cherished, memories he’d thought he’d look back at when he grew older and alone, memories that stopped him from going to his bed in the night and never waking up ever again. Memories that made the best part of his entire life. 

They all mock him now. Sneer at him with the cruelest laugh as they tell him again and again how it’s finally come true, what they used to say. “What now? You knew all of it was too good to be true, you don’t deserve it, it’s your fault,” they chant in his mind. 

Again and again until he starts believing them himself. Where’s the lie? It was too good to be true for a person like him, who’s had the best of everything. He doesn’t know how did he manage to fool himself into believing it. He doesn’t know what to do anymore, he doesn’t know.

What do you do when all that you believed true suddenly gets ripped out of you life without warning? 

He’s made the mistake of taking things for granted once again and now he’s paying. He doesn’t want to, of course he doesn’t, but he should have seen it coming. _Y_ _ ou can’t be happy for a long time without everything crashing down, after all.  _ And he’s been happy for so long that he forgot, fooled himself into thinking he was breaking away from the pattern.

***

[Tuesday]

Jisung:

Hey, are you bored? I learnt this dance, will you review it? [2:11 PM] 

Chenle:

[2:15 PM] Yes yes

[2:15 PM] Will you dance ?

Jisung:

Yeah!! [2:15 PM]

Here: [2:15 PM]

ጿ ጐ ቼ ዽ ጿ ጐ ቼ ዽ ጿ ጐ ቼ ዽ ጿ ጐ ቼ ዽ ጿ ጐ ቼ ዽ ጿ [2:15 PM]

(please don’t kill me) [2:15 PM]

That’s some pretty decent gymnastics, don’t you think? [2:15 PM]

Chenle:

[2:16 PM] WAIT WHAAAAAT !!!⁉️

Jisung:

That’s me dancing!! [2:16 PM]

Chenle:

[2:16 PM] 💢💢

Jisung:

Let’s dance the night away~ ጿ ጐ ቼ ዽ ጿ ጐ ቼ ዽ ጿ ጐ ቼ ዽ ጿ ጐ ቼ ዽ ጿ ጐ ቼ ዽ ጿ ጿ ጐ ቼ ዽ ጿ ጐ ቼ ዽ ጿ ጐ ቼ ዽ ጿ ጐ ቼ ዽ ጿ ጐ ቼ ዽ ጿ ጿ ጐ ቼ ዽ ጿ ጐ ቼ ዽ ጿ ጐ ቼ ዽ ጿ ጐ ቼ ዽ ጿ ጐ ቼ ዽ ጿ ጿ ጐ ቼ ዽ ጿ ጐ ቼ ዽ ጿ ጐ ቼ ዽ ጿ ጐ ቼ ዽ ጿ ጐ ቼ ዽ ጿ ጿ ጐ ቼ ዽ ጿ ጐ ቼ ዽ ጿ ጐ ቼ ዽ ጿ ጐ ቼ ዽ ጿ ጐ ቼ ዽ ጿ [2:19 PM]

***

He doesn’t know if he can do this. His heart feels as if it's collapsing in on itself and he’s shaking all over. It doesn’t help that everyone’s looking at him, expecting him to give a nice, emotional speech about what Chenle means to him and be done with. No amount of words can describe what he and Chenle have had, none. 

Chenle wouldn’t want this. But Jisung is scared. So goddamn sacred. He feels like running away from all this, running away from everything and just...running until he’s out of breath, and his lungs can’t take it anymore and they burst. At least the pain would let him escape this agony. 

No. What he does instead is take a step forward, look at everyone present. And speak. 

***

[Saturday]

Chenle:

[10:15 AM] Who U Are 

Jisung:

Oh my god!!! You’re gonna disown me?! What a cruel world. [7:46 PM] 

Chenle:

[7:54 PM] That’s a song by Kang Daniel idiot. I’m not leaving you , you’re stuck with me forever . 

[7:54 PM] Hehe 

[Sunday]

Jisung:

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. [1:07 AM]

That’s okay I don’t mind. [1:08 AM]

***

“The day I met Chenle for the first time, I’d spilled coffee all over his shirt, run through the rose bushes in his garden--his mom was  _ livid  _ for days--and broke his first computer. But he never seemed to hold any of it against me, ever. Instead he’d just laughed at me and called me a malfunctioning android and asked me to come over again. I still don’t understand how did _ we _ become friends. 

“His entire existence has always been larger than life, so much bigger than words.” Jisung is shivering, his voice is stuttering. The strings holding him alive are all gone, their bearer along with them. He doesn’t want to do this anymore, no. “I remember, for my eighteenth birthday, he’d gotten us matching glasses and packed it in this super small box that had our first polaroid stuck on the edge and the caption said 'we’d look great together'. It’s the best gift I’ve gotten.”

***

[Tuesday]

Chenle:

[5:24 PM] Oh I am watching assassination classroom

[5:25 PM] It's amazing

[5:25 PM] Karma kun is kkakoiii

[5:25 PM] Nagisa kun is sooo kawaii

[5:26 PM] Koro sensei is a pervert haha

Jisung:

Kawai=cute. [5:32 PM]

Ooh what's the plot? [5:33 PM]

I saw the intro of Fullmetal Alchemist today and I am thinking of starting My Hero Academia. [5:33 PM] 

Sensi is teacher right? [5:34 PM]

OH WAIT WAIT [5:34 PM] 

Chenle:

[6:11 PM] ?

[6:10 PM] Yup

[6:11 PM] Oh how was Fullmetal ? Yayayayay ,but I haven't watched the 4th season yet

[6:11 PM] Sensei yes

Jisung:

Assassination classroom is the one that i read about in that book,,,, what's the plot? [6:48 PM] 

Idk about Full Metal, it seemed fun. How's it? [6:48 PM] 

Chenle:

[7:08 PM] It is fun fun

[7:08 PM] Assasination Classroom is really amazing . Karma and nagasi ,, I love them

Jisung:

Plot? [7:24 PM]

[Wednesday]

Chenle:

[8:55 AM] The students of class 3 E are supposed to assassinate their teacher before he destroys the earth .

Jisung:

Ooh, he dies right? [9:31 AM] 

I got the spoiler from the book [9:31 AM] 

Chenle:.

[9:33 AM] I have not finished it yet

Jisung:

Oops? [10:18 AM]

To be fair, though, I did get the spoiler before even knowing what was it about so… [10:18 AM]

Hey, I'm just checking up on you, you're fine right? [1:51 PM]

Take care of yourself~ [1:54 PM]

Chenle:

[5:58 PM] Yeah , I’m fine , just a bad wifi day.

[5:58 PM] You take care of yourself tooo

Jisung:

oh, bad wifi is bad, i was worried for nothing then? [6:17 PM]

i was legit gonna call you lol. [6:18 PM]

<3 <3 [6:18 PM]

Chenle:

[6:34 PM] You were gonna call me? Awwww my heart ♡ ♡

***

“His favourite quote is ‘I’m standing upright but my shadow is crooked.’ He didn’t go around saying this to everyone all the time, this wasn’t even what he’d say when people asked him to talk about stuff he liked, I think I’ve only ever heard him say it thrice. But he’d always have this strange gleam in his eyes whenever he’d say it and I’ve tried so hard to understand what it meant to him. I never did. I still don’t, but I don’t think I’ll ever be forgetting it.” He closes his eyes for a second, the burning behind them is a welcome reprise from the cold that’s left his body shivering. He’s not going to cry.

“I miss him.” A tear slips past anyway.

***

[Wednesday]

Jisung:

thank you~ <3 [6:56 PM] 

Chenle:

[7:06 PM] What for ?

Jisung:

existing, being my bestfriend, and everything in general~ [7:11 PM]

Chenle:

[7:17 PM]: ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ 

***

“I think my life’s been divided into two parts: pre-Chenle and post-Chenle. There’s very little I remember of the pre-Chenle part. I don’t remember much from post-Chenle either, remembering stuff has always been Chenle’s forte.” This is off scripted, he doesn’t even remember much of the day and he doesn’t know why he’s speaking. He just is. “Sometimes I think that’s the reason he always insisted on getting some kind of souvenirs every time we did something great--polaroids, keychains, matching bracelets, shared playlists, everything. Our first trip alone together had been to an amusement park, we got rocks from there because we’d spent all of our money on the rides. I still think it’s the best souvenir.” 

***

[Friday]

Jisung:

***

“We’ve always done everything together. When I’d have problems at school, he’d always help me. When I needed advice, he always had something to say, when I was feeling down, he always knew what to do to cheer me up. I don’t think I could have ever had had a better friend, ever.” Jisung stops for a moment, trying to remember how their last conversation went.

“I’ll always be thankful to him for being with me all the time, always supporting whatever I did, letting me take his notes to study a day before our exams because I wouldn’t stop procrastinating, for accepting me for what I was and staying through all of it.” He’s crying now, it hurts. “Chenle was the best thing that happened to me. Thank you for filling my life with so much love, friendship, and everything. Thank you so much.”

He doesn’t know who is he speaking to anymore, it doesn’t matter. 

Chenle‘s favourite lyrics had always been “the sky is the roof”. Jisung manages to fool himself into thinking he’s just gone to research it before him. He’ll meet him again.

***

[Wednesday]

Chenle:

[11:04 PM] P1Harmony - siren. 

[Thursday]

Jisung:

I’ll listen to it. [9:07 AM]

Were you listening to Wow by any chance? [9:08 AM]

Chenle:

[9:24 AM] No I guess 

[9:24 AM] why ?

Jisung:

It’s been stuck in my head for a while and isn’t there a saying if a song’s stuck in your head, it means your soulmate has been listening to it? [9:44 AM]

Chenle:

[10:13 AM] Ohhh

[10:13 AM] Let me laugh

***

The first ever school trip Jisung attended was when he was fourteen. They were going to go to an amusement park. It was a fun first time school trip, but for Jisung, it was special in a different way. It was the first time he went with Chenle to anywhere. They hadn’t let anyone share the place they sat at, played music through the speakers and annoyed all their teachers, introduced k-pop to their friends, and had taken those rides together.  _ Together.  _

Jisung very distinctly remembers the way Chenle had clasped his hands in Jisung’s on a particularly weird ride and screamed as if his life depended on it. It was a small thing, but to Jisung, it’s one of his favourite memories with Chenle. There’s times even now when he curls under his covers and tries to pretend Chenle is holding his hand that way, grounding him, telling him that he won’t let go no matter what happens. That he’ll stay. 

It sometimes works.

***

[Sunday]

Jisung:

Hey, I found another poem for you. [11:59 PM]

“BELONG”

You said I belong to you

And I agree

But the quality of that belonging

Is a question of some importance.

I do not belong to you

Like a purchase

Something ordered and sold

And delivered in a box

To be put up and shown off

To friends and admirers.

I would not belong to you that way

And I know you would not have me so.

I will tell you how I belong to you.

I belong to you like a ring on a finger

A symbol of something eternal.

I belong to you like a heart in a chest

Beating in time to another heart.

I belong to you like a word on the air

Sending love to your ear.

I belong to you like a kiss on your lips

Put there by me, in the hope of more to come.

And most of all I belong to you

Because in where I hold my hopes

I hold the hope that you belong to me.

It is a hope I unfold for you now like a gift.

Belong to me like a ring

And a heart

And a word

And a kiss

And like a hope held close.

I will belong to you like all these things

And also something more

Something we will discover between us

And will belong to us alone.

You said I belong to you

And I agree.

Tell me you belong to me, too.

I wait for your word

And hope for your kiss.

Love you.

Enzo.”

― Scalzi, John [12:00 AM]

Love you to moon and back. [12:30 AM]

I’m sorry. [12:35 AM]

***

When Jisung was twelve, he fell into a freezing pond because he wanted to prove it to Jeno that the all the fishes froze along with the water everywhere. They had gone to find a frozen pond alone back then, only he and Jeno. Jaemin was studying for their exams, Donghyuck was busy trying to defeat Mark in scrabble, Renjun had gone to his home back in China for the Christmas, and Chenle was sick.

They even had a bet on it, the loser would give the winner all of his new-year money. 

But then Jeno found a kitten along the way, it had been bleeding over the edge of a broken crack along the pond. He remembers the way Jeno had run all the way, almost skidding a couple times along the way to make sure it was alive.

His memory fazes after that, just way it does most of the times, but he still remembers the feeling of cold water freezing his veins as he somehow fell into the water. Jeno hadn’t come after listening to his shouts, so Jisung assumes he’d gone back home along with the baby cat, their stupid bet forgotten.

His memory dips again and the next thing Jisung remembers is Chenle hauling him up, falling into the water himself along the way and then looking at him once when they had both reached the park beside their homes and slapping his cheeks.

***

[Friday]

Chenle: 

[10:38 PM] No Jisung , I am not god ! 

[10:38 PM] I DON’T HAVE ANY SUPERPOWERS

[10:39 PM] OH GOD. 

[10:40 PM] Those don’t even exist !! 

Jisung:

Hey, do you remember the time I was almost about to die in that pond and you’d come from nowhere to save me? [12:26 AM] 

Chenle: 

[12:36 AM] You mean the time you got me, Jeno and yourself grounded because of that stupid wager ?

[12:36 AM] Jaemin hyung hadn’t talked to jeno hyung for three whole weeks after that . 

[12:37 AM] He was so disappointed oh god . 

[12:37 AM] I think it was their first fight 

Jisung:

Oh that happened? I don’t remember it that well, it’s just snippets. [12:39 AM] 

Weren’t you sick? How did you come? [12:40 AM]

Chenle: 

[12:40 AM] I am surprised you even remember it, what with you forgetting everything all the time 

Jisung:

You have superpowers!! You’re too good to be a true human, I know it! [12:41 AM] 

Chenle:

[12:42 AM] Yeah I was sick, I got hospitalized for hyperthermia after that , remember?

[12:42 AM] It was deja vu , I know you always get in trouble. 

Jisung:

Aww, stopppppp. [12:45 AM] 

My heart is going akssksk. [12:45 AM] 

You’re really too good to be true, love you! [12:45 AM] 

Chenle:

[12:46 AM] Aww, I know that, love you too. ♡

Jisung: 

I’ve thought about it for a loooong time and have come to the conclusion that you’re not a god. [12:48 AM] 

Chenle:

[12:48 AM] Wow , finally. 

Jisung:

You’re an angel!! [12:48 AM]

I saw an angel~~~ [12:48 AM]

Chenle:

[12:49 AM] ...........

[12:52 AM] You’re cupid pwark then. 

***

Once, Chenle dared Jisung to go on a rollercoaster with him. He said it’ll be a learning experience for him. Jisung had accepted, it didn’t seem that daunting, after all. He’d been to rollercoasters before. They were fun. 

During the three minutes that they were on the rollercoaster for, he had been vibrating in his seat, his heart had felt as if it’d leave his body behind at the next tangent. 

Then, once they were back on ground, slightly dizzy but so full of adrenaline, Jisung had pouted towards Chenle, complaining how it had all ended so quickly. 

Chenle had looked at him almost as if waiting for him to say that and said, “this is what we should learn about life. What’s life for you?”

“It’s something that you do when you do.” 

“Ding dong daeng, wrong. It’s short, you can’t wait for life. That’s why you should share all of those chocolates you got from Jaemin with me.”

Needless to say, Jisung usually just ate half a bar every time from then on. 

***

[Monday]

Chenle:

[9: 30 PM] You’re dumb . 

Jisung:

Happy realization. What did I do this time? [9:35 PM]

But I’m your responsibility, so you gotta own it up,,, >v< [9:36 PM]

Chenle:

[9:40 PM] Who puts coffee in ramen ? 

[9:40 PM] It tasted gross . 

Jisung:

Ahh,,,, that! It tasted kinda nice though, I mean… [9:41 PM]

Perfect breakfast for super early mornings, don’t you think?! >o< [9:41 PM] 

Chenle:

[9:41 PM] Somebody help this man 

[9:42 PM] Why are you so weird ? 

[10:30 PM] I’ll make you acceptable ramen tomorrow , get all of the veggie stuff .

[10:30 PM] Okay? 

Jisung:

Oh wow oh wow oh wow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [10:31 PM]

You’re gonna cook for me?! [10:31 PM] 

I knew you loved me deep inside. [10:31 PM] 

Chenle:

[10:32 PM] Yeah I asked them , they said I can, if we use those mobile thingies and there’s adult supervision . 

Jisung:

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 [10:32 PM]

Wait, I am adult supervision?! [10:47 PM] 

Aren’t you older than me? [10:47 PM] 

Oh wait, maybe they’re talking about mental ages. [10:48 PM] 

You’re a baby then. [10:48 PM] 

Chenle: 

[10:48 PM] No idiot 

Jisung: 

“X̶i̶a̶n̶x̶i̶a̶n̶ lele is three years old!” [10:48 PM]

No? [10:49 PM]

Chenle: 

[10:49 PM] Haha . 

[10:49 PM] No Jungwoo hyung is gonna be there . 

[10:49 PM] He’s the new nurse I told you about .

[10:50 PM] He’s so cuteeee 

Jisung: 

We’re going off topic, the point is you’re cooking for me tomorrow! [10:51 PM]

Don’t veer off,,,, >~< [10:51 PM] 

Chenle:

[10:52 PM] Someone’s jealous ? 

[10:52 PM] Ooooh, I smell some jealousy 

[10:52 PM] You should just let it be . 

Jisung: 

No, I am not jealous, why would I be? [10:52 PM] 

I know you’re the cutest. [10:53 PM]

LET IT GO!!!!!!!!! [10:53 PM] 

Sit down is the best song NCT 127’s ever done istg! [10:54 PM] 

Chenle:

[10:56 PM] It is !!! 

[10:56 PM] Though I prefer chain 

Jisung: 

CHAINNNNN!!!!! BRRRAAAA! REACTION! [10:57 PM] 

Biribiri shiriberu tokko mariwa!! [10:57 PM]

Chenle:

[10:58 PM]  Biribiri shibireru beat ga

Todoroku sekai e yuruga doko made mo

Chiisana ippo mo step by step

Jisung:

YEAHHHH, BASS TO THE BEAT GOING BRR BRR BRR [10:59 PM]

Hey are you ready to go? [10:59 PM]

Chenle:

[11:00 PM] There is no fear . 

Jisung:

Yeah, there is no fear!! [11:00 PM]

Chenle:

[11:01 PM] I gotta go now unfortunately . 

[11:01 PM] It’s 11 

Jisung:

Aww, it’s okay. Goodnight, sleep well, love you~ [11:01 PM]

Chenle:

[11:02 PM] Yeah, you too, remember to get the stuff tomorrow , the ramen here is almost as gross as your coffee-ramen . 

[11:03 PM] I’ll cook the best ramen you’ve ever tasted!! 

Jisung: 

OOOOOH kkkkkkkkay, I will!! [11:03 PM]

Take care~ [11:03 PM] 

Sleep well [11:03 PM] 

Chenle:

[11:03 PM] ♡ ♡ ♡

[11:04 PM] Love ya. 

Jisung: 

Aww, I’m gonna cry now. [11:04 PM]

Love you too <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 [11:04 PM]

Night night~ [11:05 PM]

***

Jisung doesn’t know what it would feel like if the world ended. His already has, and it began again the next day, and ended once more only to reset the hourglass. It’s a weird feeling that doesn’t wear out no matter how many times you go through it. 

But he’s never felt so bad since so long, not this desperate in so long, he thought he’d never have to again. Wrong. It feels like it’s ending once more as he looks at Chenle staring at him from the hospital bed. He’s wearing one of those pinstriped drab hospital gowns and he can barely move his fingers. 

Still he smiles at Jisung, and Jisung feels warmth seep in through the bitter, indistinguishable cracks his heart has broken into. 

He’d promised himself he won’t cry, he’d promised he’d be strong for Chenle, he’s gonna come back. It’s just a surgery. He’ll _have_ to come back. 

He’d promised himself he’d wake up at three in the morning everyday to make them both breakfast and take Chenle to university with him in a wheelchair if that’s what it took to make sure they both graduated in the same year. Chenle had just laughed at him and said, “you better start hanging out with Jeno-hyung in the gym then.” He’d promised he will. 

Chenle had made Jisung promise they’d eat the ramen he’d made together after he came back. 

Jisung has long since forgotten what ramen tastes like. 

***

Chenle, 

We did it today, your funeral. You remember the time we’d sneaked out of the house and gone to see that meteor shower? And then you’d told me you wish you could attend your own funeral? “I kinda wanna see what people will think of me when I’m gone, will they cry?” and then I’d hit you and said we’re so young, that we don’t need to think of such things and just live in the moment and then you’d hit me right back and said you were just making an observation? I can’t believe it’s just been six months. 

There weren’t a lot of people, and I’m kind of glad there weren't. Johnny hyung wanted the people who knew you to be there, I’m sorry. 

I’m sorry for a lot of things, I’m sorry for spilling coffee on the last shirt you dad gave you, you never told me that, I just figured it out, I’m sorry for not being there with you, I’m sorry for insisting you do your homework yourself to improve your maths calculations, I’m sorry for ditching you that day back in fifth grade to hang out with Jaemin hyung, I’m sorry for leaving your messages on seen so many times, I’m sorry for not being there when you called me, I’m sorry for not reading the signs. 

I’m sorry for everything. 

I know I don’t deserve you, I never did, but I’m still glad I had you in my life. You’re still with me, I don’t think you’ll ever leave, I won't let you go, I’m sorry. I know I never did deserve you, but I’m still glad I have you. 

Do you remember the cat we found in the alley behind Renjun hyung’s house? The one we’d sneaked into your drawer and then fed until your mom found it out and left her outside? 

I found her again today, she still has that weird c shaded tuft on her, it wasn’t dye after all. Jeno hyung said he’ll take her in in case my mom says no. She looked happy. 

I wish you could see her, she’s still the same. 

I read another quote today, I added it to the board I’ve always kept for you. Remember those weird stuff I’d send you in the middle of the night every other week, I have so many of them now, all of them remind me of you, but none define you. I’m still looking for one that can, something tells me I wont ever find it, you’re too big an existence to be put into words. 

“All of your love is sunlight.” 

Taeyong hyung baked a cake for your birthday, it was fruit flavored, I didn’t tell him you don’t like it, I’m sorry, I couldn’t bring myself to. Does that make me a bad friend? 

Renjun hyung moved into Jaemin hyung’s house day before, and he’s checked himself into therapy finally. I know you’re proud, I love you. 

I changed the colour of our project file to blue, you’re right, it looks better. It’s glowing now, I’m keeping all your speeches too, I don’t wanna change them. Let me slack off on work this one time okay, I’ll do all of the work myself the next time, I promise. 

It’s five-thirty right now, half an hour until the mv release for our favourite group. We’ll watch it together, I promise. 

I pre-ordered their album for your birthday, it arrived today. I know you’d like it. I haven’t opened it yet, I don’t think I ever will, so I don’t know whose photocards you got. I’m sorry. I can’t. 

You’ll stay with me won’t you? I know I’m a bad friend, I know I’m not the best person to exist, but I really hope you’ll stay. 

They deactivated all your accounts. Except the fanaccount you’ve got on twitter, I don’t think they know about it. 

I think I’ll keep texting you on it. 

I hope you’ll remember you’re my universe. I’m yours, you’re mine. Always;

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading. 
> 
> The section about rollercoasters was inspired by [this pin](https://pin.it/6ONcteN) and the dance/gymnastics: Ethiopian Edition was by Winwin's message on Bubble.
> 
> "sky is the roof" is a lyric from NCT127's Regular English Ver. 
> 
> All of your love is sunlight is actually a misheard lyric from Hozier's Sunlight, the actual line is 'Oh, your love is sunlight'. 
> 
> The "I'm yours, you're mine" is a line from TXT's Can't You See Me. I think is goes like "I'm yours, you're mine, secrets of the world." 
> 
> Have a good day/night everyone, take care of yourselves~  
> Hwating!


End file.
